Disappointment

"If I let myself hope, and it came to nothing… that would kill me. Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off, hope would do the job."

Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 23, p.513


Feeling like Bella right now, in New Moon. I feel numb but my eyes are still crying. This is so annoying. 


Disappointment is the single most worse emotion you can ever feel. It makes you feel dead, like nothing, when someone disappoints you. If you're counting on that person for happiness, it shatters someone, it rips their soul.


It sounds like i'm over exaggerating but i'm not. Maybe i'm just pathetic. I've been disappointed all through out my life, mostly the guys in my life: Dad, Brother, Boyfriends. Why are men the biggest disappointment in life? Oh wait, because girls know how that feels.


Boo Hoo, you're upset over a little thing? 
Yes, yes i am. I've been pretty happy with my boyfriend the past few weeks. Usually i'm crying and yelling at him because he's sort of...emotionless...and i'm over emotional. We clash a lot. He's been very good lately and i haven't been crying, but of course, today's the day we break that. 


I didn't see him all day, i was pissed, but i got over it. But breaking a promise was a kind of a stab in the chest. On top of that i had to deal with my stupid Chemistry class, i freaking hate everyone in there & the teacher. She screamed at us and made us take a quiz we weren't ready for. I learn nothing in that class because they're all idiots. FML. When i found out that wonderful news it was right before my last class, Chemistry, and i was struggling to stop crying the entire time...while she was yelling at us. 


I'm kind of weak since something traumatic happened to me two years ago, i'm weak. I can't even get mad without crying. I can't hide my tears... Going home i was crying...Annoying... I just got home and sat there...crying...but with no pain. I'm used to disappointment. It's the story of my life, but it hurts that i hoped something was better. There is no such thing as hope. It slaps you in the face. 


I feel like i should just hate everything and never aspire to be anything or do anything because it always fucks me over. I don't know what to do, i'm not strong enough. 


I wish he cared
I wish i could react normally
I wish i could be strong
I wish i didn't burden my friends
I wish i could be numb forever. 

A hatred has grown stronger

Another example of why i hate people:


A fight between Kiowa Gordan and Justin Bieber fans.. Oh hello, where's the popcorn?

So Ki doesn't like Justin... okay, everyone's entitled to their opinion, right? Bieber fans don't think so. He didn't even say anything, he retweeted something. Oh my god, sorry but most of his fans are crazy. They would make Justin bieber embarrassed. It makes me angry that people can't respect others opinion. Why is it so hard to just hold your tongue or have a sense of humor? I laugh when people make fun of Twilight or Harry Potter, most of the things are funny. But then freak out on an actor because he doesn't like Justin..? Most people in the world don't like him... go attack other people.

Those fans are probably under the age of seventeen, sitting in a dark room, just staring at their computer... pathetic.

If you start cussing and insulting someone, they'd get pissed too. Don't expect respect if you don't give any.

I was on Kiowa's side, of course, because he is terribly funny and he wasn't irrational like Justin Bieber fan. I have to say that i do like his music...but i wasn't a fan..i'm less of a fan now because i don't want to stand beside someone who belongs in a hospital.

All in all point of this little rant is people need to respect other's opinion or they will be yelled at or stabbed, because they deserve it.

Being stupid is not worth the hate you will get. You're like 12 and cussing out a very fine looking actor, you're not cool, you're pathetic. Put down your bieber doll and grow the fuck up.

Stupid Family

I don't care if anyone sees my blogs or comments on them...i just need to vent.


So my Father, i haven't talked to him since my birthday (July) and i haven't talked to him. Why should i make an effort when he doesn't? My step sister thinks it's my fault that i never see her. I just want to see her. I don't want to see my dad because he doesn't talk to me or ask me to see him. I'm the daughter, why should i do anything?

People are guilting me, "He's your father, talk to him!" Yeah well he signed up for the job, i didn't. I didn't ask him to be my dad, i didn't ask him to leave me and my mom & start yet another family. He doesn't keep in contact with two of his kids. There are reasons behind that, (they're mental), but i'm supposedly his favorite child. He didn't know about my depression thing but he stuck by me while i was at my worst. Brownie points.

Other than that, what have you done dad? You left me. Why should i want to see you? It doesn't feel like i have another family. It feels like my moms side and that's it.

I do feel guilty about not seeing my dad & his family...but i will not give in to this. Its my responsibility to build my life. Go to school, get a job, make a family...I'll take care of my children. I'll make sure they talk to me. Why is it so hard to pick up a phone? If its so hard then it's impossible for me.

I hate people.